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Re: Playing with fire


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Posted by MRN on June 16, 2023 at 18:42:44

In Reply to: Re: Playing with fire posted by MRN on June 15, 2023 at 17:42:45:

I should set the record straight …

First thing on (I think) Tuesday morning, I wrote a letter to the woman I mentioned, inviting her to join me in the water fully clothed. I just missed her (she turns off and I was a minute too late). Fate saved me from making a foolish mistake, yet, I could not shake the belief that I had to do it. I ended up rewriting that letter three more times, and still made a small amendment to the final version.

Wednesday morning, I handed it to her; on the spur of the moment I called out “Morning post!” and got the most heartfelt “Thank you!” in response.

In the latter I made some alternative suggestions, including going as a family without me, or inviting a friend in my place, volunteering a friend in her place, or just pretending I said nothing and just go about our lives as if nothing happened.

Yesterday, she just gave me her regular sing-song “Mor-ning!” then (too late for me to respond) asked uncharacteristically, “[Are] you OK?”

I had different scenarios playing out in my mind: that she was distraught at what I did, that she welcomed it, or that life would just go on as normal. It seemed indeed that she had taken the final option, to pretend that it never happened. Sad, but a relief that I had not offended her. (I wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t felt a warmth from her.)

Yet, the idea stayed with me that maybe she was just waiting to see how I reacted to being rejected, or just still gathering her thoughts. Futile notions but I could but hope.

This morning, I made sure that we crossed paths again, and this time she handed me a tiny little envelope and told me that it was my turn for morning post!

I read the letter when I got the the office. It was the warmest and most thoughtful thing anyone has ever written to me in, possibly, living memory. If it weren’t for her husband’s social anxiety at meeting people, she would have been very much up for it! She notes that such invitations are “most rare” for her and just being invited alone meant a lot to her.

I just wish I had enough soul left to be the person she believes I am …


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